Transformers Jumbled is "Farmers Snort"

And farmers would snort, as they'd be better off spending the afternoon watching a horse munch on grass for three hours. The movie was a failure of Cybertronian proportions. I'm not a movie critic, just a fan of movies in general. And this computer-generated depiction of one of my most beloved cartoons growing up just wasn't fun to watch at all.

Let's start with the obvious. Not only is this a Michael Bay film, it's a fucking Transformers movie. Eye-popping, jaw-dropping, mind-blasting action sequences are a requirement; and it just fell horribly short in that category. The storyline was tedious and just really, really dumb at times. The history lesson was boring and a bunch of the essential characters were left in the shadows. And by "essential" I mean those that represent the movie's epic title, not puny little fleshlings.

You go in expecting adrenaline, testosterone, and a lot of high-fives and fist-pumps as big, bad-ass alien robots beat the living crap out of one another. Instead you get this dragging love story riddled with bad acting and awfully cheesy lines.

• I get the whole anthropomorphism gig, but saliva in Laserbeak's mouth and red "blood" coming out of the Decepticons' decapitated bodies? Come on, don't these machines gods run on Energon? Give them a cooler way to die.
  
  
• You are Optimus fucking Prime. You are the fearless leader of the Autobots. You (quite literally) single-handedly beat the shit out of Megatron and Sentinel Prime. And yet, you couldn't get yourself out of some dangling wires? Not only that, did you just sulk in front of your team and a bunch of insignificant humans?
  
  
• You are Lord Megatron. Fear surfaces upon mentioning your very name. You are the cold, vicious commander of the Decepticons. You never show any mercy and destroy anything that gets in your way. Shame on you for wearing a girly little head scarf. Clint Eastwood, probably. 30-foot robot, definitely not.
  
  
• I have a clear enough understanding about gravity and the laws of physics to figure out that the entire NEST-wingsuit-skydiving sequence was exaggerated, unscientific Hollywood bullshit. You cannot ascend, let alone effortlessly bank at such an acute angle, without any means of propulsion, during a free fall.
  
  
• Remember The Matrix? Everyone ran for their lives like a little girl every time an Agent so much as blinked. Then Neo becomes The One and suddenly everyone has the balls to stand up to them. In this movie Sam kills Starscream and the blonde chick calls Megatron Sentinel Prime's bitch– despite the fact that they're both just about as tall as their ankles.